There's No Shame in Marriage Counselingby Tristi Pinkston | More from this Blogger 09 Sep 2008 10:00 AM When I was a little girl, oh, twenty-five years ago, marriage counseling was something people only did if they were contemplating divorce. Whenever I heard that someone was seeing a therapist, it meant that horribly bad things were on the horizon. It was shameful-people would have hidden their therapists in plain brown wrappers if they could. It was with this mindset that I approached my own need to go to a therapist after my husband and I had been married for about eight years. We'd had some disagreements that we couldn't resolve on our own, mostly stemming from the different ideas we brought into the relationship (when the children from two broken homes get married, it's bound to be wild). When our bishop suggested that we go to LDS Family Services for some marriage counseling, I was very upset. Surely this was the beginning of the end. However, it turned out to be a very good thing for us. Our therapist was very laid back and just listened to us for a while, then began inserting words of wisdom that made us stop and reexamine our belief systems and how we'd been viewing our relationship. In fact, I have to say that the counseling experience was absolutely what we needed at the time and if we hadn't gone down that road, we probably would be divorced right now. Rather than accelerating our progress down that slippery slope, counseling helped us avoid it. Parents often say they wish their children came with instruction manuals. Marriage doesn't come with one either, and it's hard for two people to learn how to become one, and not just one, but eternally united. It's challenging to say the least. Even the best days are fraught with misunderstandings. It's only natural for married couples to need a little extra guidance along that path, and a counselor just might be the person to help you. Counselors are trained to look at both sides of the issue. Whereas your mother might agree with you and his father might agree with him, and thereby not the most reliable sources for objective advice, a counselor will work with the two of you together to help find a compromise that both of you feel good about. And, if you go through LDS Family Services or some other religiously-based organization, you know your therapist holds your same values and will keep the eternal nature of your relationship in mind at all times. Additionally, for those in financial distress, LDS Family Services can make payment arrangements with you and often your ward can help subsidize the sessions as well. There's no shame in having marriage counseling. In fact, there are times when it might be good to go into therapy even if you aren't considering divorce. If there are things about your spouse that are driving you crazy and no amount of discussion is helping, it might do you good to pull another party into the mix and get some objectivity. We don't have to sneak around and say we've been shopping when we've really been to see our therapist-we're doing what we need to do to strengthen our relationships, and that's admirable, not shameful. Related Blogs: Working Through the Difficult Times in Your Marriage Learn more about Tristi Pinkston  I've been a blogger for Families.com since August of 2006. Relevantlds tags User Comments  Realtalktime (170) 09 Sep 2008 12:59 PMYou are so correct in all that you said. I am so glad to hear that counseling worked for you guys. I was recently married and my intentions were to attend counseling BEFORE the marriage but we didn't quite get around to it but I did tell him that we had to go. I recommend counseling for every and any one whether married or single because we all have issues and as you stated it's especially hard when you are joining two lives together as one. Whether the people are from broken homes or not we all have our own individual ways of thinking and doing things and then you try to put them together in one pot and think they'll just work. In some cases yes and in most today, not! I commend you on saving your marriage! That is so wonderful to hear. Join us at: http://realtalk-time.blogspot.com/ Yambasticks (85) 12 Sep 2008 05:39 PMall shook up ever since I heard about the collapsing of my cousin's daughter's marriage I find that I can't stop thinking about her daughter, and the things that seem to be wrong with the whole situation: Here it is with thoughts, questions and all: Currently the marriage status is "it's over- divorce papers are signed and the court date and selling the house is all that is left. They have had a temple marriage and been happy for three years, but now, someway somehow her soon to be ex's former girl friend has shown up, and is now his girl friend again. Although his parents are active L.D.S. people and his father is a councelor in their bishopric in their small town rather than help this couple try to reconnect and work out their differences, they- his parents paid for the divorce....... can someone tell me church policy on doing this? My cousin said she never would have paid for their divorce that it is something that should have been worked out between them as a couple? Paying for the divorce, isn't that making assunder what God has joined together? can someone tell me this? Yes things are toxic between them and probably always will be. Even though they knew they were headed toward a divorce and he was not treating her right he still wanted "sex from her, which she would not give him.......... She and her parents are terrified because her soon to be ex is a cop in their town that he will retailiate and do crap to her........ and I guess he also pinned her against the wall and put his fist through the wall. Her mother told her to call the cops and it is our understanding that he was arrested for it, and the entire bizzarity of it all is that his parents who paid for the divorce called his girl friend for bail money for him. I am extremely disturbed by the fact that good latter day saint parents, and one that is serving in the bishopric would pay for his child's divorce rather than offer counceling to both kids and tell them how sacred their temple covenants are. and to sort through their differences and to remind their son that the ex girl friend needed to stay completely out of his life to stay connected to his wife that he married in the temple. what does everyone think? Does anyone know church policy on this, and what might be done. The result is so far: My cousin's daughter is being driven from the church and wants less and less to do with the church each day. She is badly effected by his parents behavior as well as his. I also understand that he is extremely jealous and that whenever she is out and about in public he is so afraid that she's doing crap with any man she encounters. So the marriage is basically over. He laid his hands on her, and she nor will her folks put up with a man hitting, or beating her or any of their kids. so she is worried that his parents, and him will take her to the cleaners that she will get nothing. but we are all trying our best to support her and tell her that she can replace things. we know she's worried about her finances, that the divorce will make them a great mess, and she also in our opinion needs a near by women's shelter for battered women just in case. we are hoping the finalization of the divorce will be the end of it, but I did remind her mother that he may not be finished with her especially if he is jealous, demanded sexual favors from her even though the marriage is/was on skid row, and has pinned her to the wall. I think he still may come after her, do what he can to demand any wifely things fix dinner, clean his house, have sex, be seen with him in places regardless...;. any ideas? are my thoughts and concerns about my cousin's daughter unfounded? so everyone please pray that she, and also he and his parents and hers will somehow heal from this mess. any quality real information, about policy, resources, and any idea that will help tthem out would greatly be appreciated. thanks Edit/Delete Message  Tristi Pinkston (10839) 13 Sep 2008 06:06 PMHey there Yambasticks, This is a tough situation, that's for sure. I don't know anyone involved in the situation and so I can't offer opinions from an authoritative standpoint, but I can share what I know from church policy and what I believe. I do know that if he has been physically violent with her, she can get a restraining order. As far as the Church questions go, I'm going to address those over a series of blogs, rather than trying to give a shortened answer here. Please keep your eyes out and I will take your concerns one piece at a time. One thing I do encourage you to do is remind your cousin's daughter that her relationship with the Savior need not be affected by the behavior of her in-laws. Your relationship with the Savior is something no one can take from you unless you choose to let go of it yourself. jkstum (10) 09 Oct 2009 01:28 PMTristi, thank you for your message. I could not agree more. I am a licensed family therapist working with couples in office and one phone and randomly found your blog post today when perusing the internet for an article. I often find couples are reluctant to join therapy for fear of others perceptions and due to stigmas built by past fears and unhealthy beliefs about marriage. I recently just posted one based on my experience as well as some resources for couples, it can be found online at: http://www.ldsphonecounseling.com/blog/?p=45 Thanks, JustinS jkstum (10) 09 Oct 2009 01:30 PMTristi, thank you for your message. I could not agree more. I am a licensed family therapist working with couples in office and one phone and randomly found your blog post today when perusing the internet for an article. I often find couples are reluctant to join therapy for fear of others perceptions and due to stigmas built by past fears and unhealthy beliefs about marriage. I recently just posted one based on my experience as well as some resources for couples, it can be found online at: http://www.ldsphonecounseling.com/blog/?p=45 Thanks, JustinS Community Tags healthy marriages, marriage counseling, therapy Discuss this article
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